Random Rules for Dating and Sex

These are lessons I’ve learned through my years of exploits. If you like them, then go back and read previous posts to get the full lessons.

• You will NEVER meet a decent guy in a bar
• If you just want to kick a man out of bed after anything sexual, or the next morning, then you don’t like him.
• If a guy really like you then he will come to you. He doesn’t make you chase him.
• Don’t say “Will you kiss me?” when asking for a blow job. I don’t know why, but it’s always annoyed me. Ask will you go down on me.
• When having sex with whip cream just use little bits at a time, and lick it off. Don’t cover your whole body.
• Women, DON’T tell a man you’re NOT going to have sex with him unless you MEAN IT!
• To get morning sex from a woman kiss the back of her neck a few times and then ignore her. To get sex without trying then just don’t try and we’ll eventually want to jump your bones.
  

  This does exist in Prague. The penis also moves.

   

• Men, don’t kick a woman out in the middle of the night! And if you do you better ensure that she gets home safely.
• Use lube if you are prone to soreness during sex. Lube is God’s girft to women.
• Use a vibtrating cock ring during sex. You’ll understand once you try it.
• Ignore queefs. They happen.
• Say “I like it when…” when you are trying to change a man in bed.
• Women, let a man put his finger in your butthole. Don’t knock it till you try it. Men, put a finger in a girl’s butthole, but very slowly. Tease around the area for a while, and most likely it’ll turn her on so much she’ll let you do it.
• Dress somewhere between prude and slut on a first date. Cover up some, but try to show a good amount of cleavage. Even if you’re sitting at a table the whole time he can see your cleavage.
• Your parents were right “He’s after one thing, and one thing only”. ALWAYS. Just assume it.
• Have an after sex towel by your bed. No one wants to lie around feeling lubey down there, and it makes for easy clean up.
• When it comes to fingering and eating out you can never go wrong with light or teasing. Rubbing and licking hard gets boring fast, light teasing constantly drives a woman crazy. Use a mix of both.

More to come. I have learned a lot.

My French Mistake

My best friend decided one night to set me up with her sexy French roommate. He came out bar hopping with our group, and we immediately hit it off. By the end of the night we were making out in the bar. We decided to head back to my apartment. We loaded up on drunken take out food, and went back to my place where we ate and hung out. Finally we started fooling around. I was very drunk, so the details are fuzzy. I do remember it being the worst fingering of my life. Like super painful, and I ket saying “Be gentle”. He wasn’t. That’s as far as it went. He was a good cuddler though.

Barcelona!

I love to cuddle. Like LOVE IT. Yet even with a gorgeous guy who was a great cuddler I wasn’t into it. The next morning I just wanted him gone. I’ve had this before where after sex I just want them to leave so I can watch Buffy and eat junk food. This has taught me an important lesson.

RULE: If you just want a man out of bed after anything sexual, or the next morning, then you don’t like him.

Sometimes we try so hard to convince ourselves we like a guy, but often we don’t. A guy you like you will want to spend all day in bed with. You will want to fall asleep next to them. If you’re not feeling that, then you don’t like them. Remember that.

The Sexless Innkeeper

This past Saint Patrick’s day my friend broke up with her long term boyfriend. He had been throwing another useless tantrum, so she said, “I’ve had it!” and threw in the towel. She had been flirting with this other guy who she saw regularly on the train, and they invited us to join them for St Patty’s day. I had to work until 9 pm, but when I got off I went and met her, the guy, and his friend (my setup). My friend was already making out with her fling when I arrived. I started chatting with my setup, and he seemed like a nice fun guy (don’t they all). We started bar hopping, and after another bar I noticed my setup was trying to break up my friend and I. He would say things like “I think they want to go home now, we should let them go off”. But when I questioned my friend she would say no let’s stay together. I did not like my setup trying to split me up from my friend.

Finally she ditched me to go home with her new man. My setup and I continued to bar crawl. After another bar I kissed him, and we made out a little bit occasionally. He finally suggested we go back to his place. I told him point blank that I am not that easy, and even if I did go to his place there is no way in hell I would sleep with him. He kept saying that was fine, and I told him the MOST he would get would be making out topless. He said great, and we went to his place. Honestly I don’t know why I went. I had work in the morning, so I would have to go home that night anyway, but alcohol makes us do stupid things.

When we got there he gave me water and tylenol for my headache, and eventually we began making out topless on his bed as I had promised. After a bit (details fuzzy) I started getting very sleepy, and started of thinking of just staying there and going home early.

At that point as I was dozing off in his bed he told me I needed to leave now. He said

I don’t want to be a sexless innkeeper.

Now I watch How I Met Your Mother, so I know what the sexless innkeeper is. It is a man that a girl picks up, who seems harmless, so they can have a place to sleep in the city. They go home with them and instantly fall asleep. Now I had warned this guy already that I was not going to have sex with him. He basically kicked me out onto the street at 4 am, and didn’t even have the decency to make sure I made it to the subway safely. If you’re going to kick a girl out in the dead of night, walk her to the subway, or give her cab fare to the subway. This is one of the jerkiest moves I have encountered while living in NYC.

Also I always hear from men that women always say they aren’t going to sleep with them, but do in the end when they go home with the man. Who are the women? When I tell a man I’m not going to sleep with him, I never do.

RULE 1:
Women, DON’T tell a man you’re NOT going to have sex with him unless you MEAN IT!

You are making the rest of us look bad, and make it so men don’t believe us when we are simply trying to be straight forward, and not be teases.

All in all this experience has only lessoned my thought of men in NYC.

RULE 2:
Men, don’t kick a woman out in the middle of the night! And if you do you better ensure that she gets home safely.

How Many is Too Many Men?

All girls, and guys for that matter, have it. The number off the people we’ve slept with. It is a number we love or hate. I personally HATE my number. I never tell anyone but close, nonjudgmental friends. Usually ones whose numbers are larger. My number is 24. I am 21 and started having sex at 17. This number seems to be astronomical, but the funny thing is I don’t have sex constantly. I start seeing someone, after a bit we sleep together, and then a lot of the time it doesn’t pan out, or I move. I usually sleep with five guys a year. That’s one for every couple of months. It’s not like I’m bringing home a new guy every night, but when I look at that number that’s what it feels like. Like that word we all think, but never want to say, SLUT. I get tested, I always ALWAYS use a condom, and I always ask about STD’s first (and yes I know guys might lie, but it’s better to at least ask). So….

How many men is too many men? (or women)

Sagrada Familia in Barcelona

I think that it should be as long as you enjoy it and you’re safe it’s okay, but no matter what I still know men and society would judge me. A guy asks, but never wants to hear a girl list a number that high. Honestly it’s bullshit, that it’s okay for men to sleep with anything, but because my number is high and I’m a woman it’s considered slutty.

I look back at my list and there are mistakes. Men I wish I could erase. Losers who were using me for sex, but growing up is about mistakes, and I’ve never once gotten pregnant or gotten an STD so I think I’m doing good. There are also plenty of men I’ve enjoyed, and who I’m happy I’ve slept with, even if it wasn’t about a lasting relationship. Sometimes the sex, the cuddling, and the continual friendship I’ve had with them is what it’s about.

Australian Sweetheart / Finally Learned My Lesson

Since last writing I have become a professional hula hooper. Yes, that may sound strange, but I do much more than simply hula hoop. Think circus tricks with a hula hoop. It doesn’t hurt that I have a body that looks great in a bikini (believe me I still have all the normal complexes women have anyway). This has helped me with street performing and with getting jobs LED hooping in clubs. I would tell you to look me up on youtube, but I’m anonymous on here so sorry.

High Tea at the British Museum

One day while street performing a gorgeous young guy sat near me writing. I barely ever saw him looking at me to my dismay. I’m used to guys oggling or asking me out when I street perform. Finally when I was one my break he came over and asked if I would be interested in performing at a friend’s gig. We got to talking and I asked if he would like to get coffee, and he then asked me for lunch instead. We spent the rest of the day together, oh and I forgot to mention he was Australian. Yeah, gold mine. He was a total sweetheart and we ended up spending the next few days side by side. He never pressured me for sex either. We spent our whole second date watching youtube videos in my bed, and he never tried a thing until I began making out with him. Then it was hot and heavy, but he never tried to push sex on me. He was always willing to come to my place, and to leave at 1 am when I kicked him out because of an early class. After a month of tye dying, lunch dates, nights cuddling, and yes very hot sex (came every time) he had to leave for Australia. He wanted me to wait for him to come back in a couple of months but I have made no promises. We still skype for an hour or so every few days. Sometimes I’m topless and touching myself (all my own idea not his., though he appreciates greatly). This instant click has reminded me of two very important lessons that all women, and especially all women in NYC need to remember.

1. You will NEVER meet a decent guy in a bar.

I know it seems like a bar is the only place to meet a man, and I thought so too for a long time, but you will never meet one there. They only want hook ups. Even when they ask you on a date, these guys are only in it for the end game. Spare yourself the time, and learn this rule. Of course if you like free meals then go out with guys from bars, and tune out everything they say.

2. If a guy really like you then he will come to you.

There are no mixed signals from a guy who really likes you. You should both feel that instant click. He will come to where ever you want, when you want. You won’t have to come to his neck of the woods, he will come to yours. He will work hard to be in your life, and he won’t play games. The guys who have truly liked me have always been clear about it. And it is true if his signals are off then he probably just isn’t that into you.

Now hopefully all will work out with the Australian, but while he”s gone I’ve started sleeping with my new Hot Dork. See next blog post for details.

I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked

We’ve all experienced that okay sex. It’s not bad, it’s not great. It’s just okay. It’s better than no sex. I finally went to abercrombie’s place. He followed all the right moves. He offered to go out and rent a video, or make some food, or we could start a movie, or watch what was on tv. I hate when guys invite you over a first time under a ruse and then don’t pretend to follow it. He pretended to follow it. We watched tv and hung out, and finally began making out, and then taking our cloths off. I went down on him for a bit, and he really enjoyed it. Men need to learn to make noises when they get blow jobs, because like abercrombie, those are then men you want to go down on again. Also men in England, or most places besides the USA, men are mostly not circumcised . In the states almost all guys you meet are, so it has been funny living in London and meeting a good deal of uncircumcised penis’s. I’ve decided I like them more. The men seem more sensitive, and there’s more to play with.

Bath in Budapest!

We finally got to the sex, and it turns out he has a problem cumming. I’ve met a few guys like this in my past, and I always feel bad for them. Women we’re used to it, but men aren’t. Now that I usually get off I get pissed when it doesn’t happen for me. The sex was okay, but the condom kept falling off. This was super frustrating since I am overly protective of my vagina. Also during foreplay, before he has a condom on, he always tries to rub it near my vag. When I get antsy he is always saying “It’s not going in”. I don’t care if it is. Until a condom is on your penis, don’t have it touching my vagina. There are std’s in the world, and semen slip ups, and I don’t want to take any chances. I don’t care if that annoys men, but I’m sorry if I girl sets a limit or a rule, follow it.

He wasn’t a good cuddler either. I personally love to cuddle, and he has never had a real relationship, so he doesn’t know how. He was one of those men who sleep with their back to you. That always annoys me, and it makes it hard for me to sleep. Though in the morning when he took a shower and came back wet in just a towel I knew why I was there. The sex is just okay, but the naked body is so worth it. I love having sex with a man whose body is enough to keep me turned on. To have dirty thoughts about.

Soon our dating declined. I think we realize everything we had between us was lust, and once we had sex we realized even that was only okay. I also realized nice as he was, he was dumb as shit. There was nothing to talk about. Since then we’ve become sex friends. I’ve told him about the other guys I’m dating, and he gives me advice and we occasionally have sex. Sometimes we sneak off to the bathroom at our spinning group and give each other oral, which has led to us being trapped in the bathroom when a line forms, and then having to awkwardly exit with everyone giving us dirty looks. I realized that much like a favorite song of mine “I like you so much better when you’re naked”, and that “You’re so sexy, but you’re not really special”.

Mr. Abercrombie Shirtless

So while living in London after rejecting the Bad Boy Brit I hung out with Abercrombie (as I have nicknamed him because he wears abercrombie and looks like an abercrombie model). Abercrombie is 6’4″ and absolutely gorgeous. I texted him about hanging out, as he had asked me to do. We went to a club in Covent Garden together. I was dressed in my sexiest black dress and looking fine. We were going out as friends, but knew we liked each other so the protocal was a little awkward. Finally through the haze of alcohol and booty dancing we began making out. I also find it funny that women in England don’t booty dance as we do in the states. They just bounce awkwardly to the music. I don’t know how they have any fun.

Finally we leave around 2 am, and he lives in the suburbs so he would have to spend a few hours on a night bus to get home. I invite him back to mine to sleep on the floor. I share a bedroom with another girl. We get there, and he is just the friendliest guy so he befriends her right away. We all end up sitting on my bed together watching a movie as if it is perfectly normal, so she lets him stay. I finally decide to let him share my bed. He is in his boxers, and we’re squished into this tiny one person bed, which leads to some cuddling. In the morning it leads to some mild fooling around, since my roommate is present. Finally I see him out.

Prague!

At our next spinning group the Bad Boy Brit is constantly trying to get my attention, and I try to always be speaking to someone else whenever he is near. Near the end of the group he asks to speak to me, so I do. He awkwardly confronts me about why I canceled our date, and I try to explain, but he gets very upset and strange and finally storms off. Later he texts me to apologize. Let’s just say in the future he chases me with fire at a fire burning party, asks me to be part of a threesome, tries to facebook friend me, and then texts me a month later to try again to ask me to drinks. Yeah, like I would say yes to that.

Abercrombie and I continue dating. We go to Primrose Hill and Camden Market on a great date, and hang out each week at the spinning group. Finally he invites me to come to his place for the night which I accept. Details on that later.