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Posts Tagged ‘vibrators’

This past Saint Patrick’s day my friend broke up with her long term boyfriend. He had been throwing another useless tantrum, so she said, “I’ve had it!” and threw in the towel. She had been flirting with this other guy who she saw regularly on the train, and they invited us to join them for St Patty’s day. I had to work until 9 pm, but when I got off I went and met her, the guy, and his friend (my setup). My friend was already making out with her fling when I arrived. I started chatting with my setup, and he seemed like a nice fun guy (don’t they all). We started bar hopping, and after another bar I noticed my setup was trying to break up my friend and I. He would say things like “I think they want to go home now, we should let them go off”. But when I questioned my friend she would say no let’s stay together. I did not like my setup trying to split me up from my friend.

Finally she ditched me to go home with her new man. My setup and I continued to bar crawl. After another bar I kissed him, and we made out a little bit occasionally. He finally suggested we go back to his place. I told him point blank that I am not that easy, and even if I did go to his place there is no way in hell I would sleep with him. He kept saying that was fine, and I told him the MOST he would get would be making out topless. He said great, and we went to his place. Honestly I don’t know why I went. I had work in the morning, so I would have to go home that night anyway, but alcohol makes us do stupid things.

When we got there he gave me water and tylenol for my headache, and eventually we began making out topless on his bed as I had promised. After a bit (details fuzzy) I started getting very sleepy, and started of thinking of just staying there and going home early.

At that point as I was dozing off in his bed he told me I needed to leave now. He said

I don’t want to be a sexless innkeeper.

Now I watch How I Met Your Mother, so I know what the sexless innkeeper is. It is a man that a girl picks up, who seems harmless, so they can have a place to sleep in the city. They go home with them and instantly fall asleep. Now I had warned this guy already that I was not going to have sex with him. He basically kicked me out onto the street at 4 am, and didn’t even have the decency to make sure I made it to the subway safely. If you’re going to kick a girl out in the dead of night, walk her to the subway, or give her cab fare to the subway. This is one of the jerkiest moves I have encountered while living in NYC.

Also I always hear from men that women always say they aren’t going to sleep with them, but do in the end when they go home with the man. Who are the women? When I tell a man I’m not going to sleep with him, I never do.

RULE 1:
Women, DON’T tell a man you’re NOT going to have sex with him unless you MEAN IT!

You are making the rest of us look bad, and make it so men don’t believe us when we are simply trying to be straight forward, and not be teases.

All in all this experience has only lessoned my thought of men in NYC.

RULE 2:
Men, don’t kick a woman out in the middle of the night! And if you do you better ensure that she gets home safely.

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I have found the World’s Cutest Condom Store, and I never thought such a thing would even ever exist. My friend’s and I (and I say friends lightly because the girls I traveled with were annoying as hell) went to Amsterdam for a weekend. Walking around one night near the Red Light District we found this adorable store. They had cute little condoms made into to all different animals, statues and shapes. It was cute as hell, and we swore to come back when they were open.

We did come back and we found more cute things. Condoms that were inside of chestnut shells, and more adorable animal condoms. They also sold almost every brand of condom out there, as well as female condoms, and vibrating cock rings. It was safe sex heaven. Also the animal condoms are only for decoration, and not safe for sex. I forget the name, but if you’re ever in Amsterdam I recommend you find this store.

My froggy condom!

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Now I have never been a fan of the idea of food sex. I love food. And I love sex, but the idea of combining to two just seemed like a messy idea that probably would sound better than it would be. This I have found is not actually the case. Now the key I have learned is in moderation. If you cover large portions of yourself in whip cream your just going to end up sticky and gross, but if you use it in moderation it can be a lot of tasty fun.

Washington Square Park

This new guy and I decided on the spur of the moment to have some fun with whip cream. We picked up a can on the way back to his place. There we fooled around on the couch and the floor, and using the whip cream. He would squirt just a dab of it on my nipple and eat it off. Or make a a happy trail on me and eat it all the way down. Now the key hear was using just a little bit at a time. I would do the same to him. Just put a little in your partner’s erogenous zone and lick it off. It’s a lot of fun.

He actually lived with his parents though, and the next day he had to explain to his mom why he had a bottle of whip cream in his room, and a condom wrapper in his pant’s pocket.

This experience also reminded me of the crazy food sex ideas my friends and I would come up with when we were just dirty minded kids. The top two were masturbating with a candy bar, which would make you taste good if a guy ate you out after. The other was to get hot doughnuts from Krispy Kreme and put them on a guys penis and eat them off . Makes for an interesting and tasty start to a blow job. To be clear I’ve never actually tried either of these, they were just wild ideas. But if you do try them let me know how it goes.

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My friend was recently strapped for cash, so she took a job as a professional dominatrix at a dungeon. She’s never done this sort of work before, but the  manager seemed nice and told her no sex was involved.

She went in for her first night where she would be training by working with the other girls. She kept getting offered jobs, but a lot of them she turned down. One man she turned down liked to have four girls in the room. One to have for him to look at, one to twist his nipples,one to jerk him off , and one to shove a dildo up his ass. I don’t actually think this is legal. He is a regular supposedly, so they do things they normally don’t do for most clients. You can understand why she didn’t want to work that job.

Next she was offered to wrestle a man in her underwear. He was in a speedo and he taught the girls wrestling moves and had them try them out on him, but he did not wrestle back. They choked him, and kicked him in the balls repeatedly.

She decided to turn down a bunch of jobs because she didn’t want to pee on anyone, give an enema, or make out with other girls (her boyfriend considers that cheating). She was just about to give up and quit when the manager told her there was a man coming in who only wanted to smoke cigarettes with her, so she agreed. She came in and he asked for some time to prepare for the session. She left the room and when she came back he was buck naked wearing a mask that had a tube coming from his mouth. She had to puff the ciggs and blow smoke through the tube to him while he jacked himself off. Some people are turned on by strange things. For this she got paid $80 and a $20 tip. She had to smoke like 10 ciggs and her mouth tasted of smoke until the next night.

So if you are considering working at a dungeon know that it is not all whipping men and calling them names. It is a sketchy business that is only suited for some.

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So I have found that all men tend to make the same mistakes which lead to women not wanting to sleep with them. Lately every guy I go out with has actually made me not ever want to sleep with them even though I am craving sex like no other. So men here is what women want in a nutshell:

Women want to feel like sex is their idea!

Art Piece on top of the Met

I know you think your chances are getting better by nudging us towards sex, but unless she is a desperate slut with no feeling of self worth she is more likely to sleep with you if you don’t push. Here is an example:

I dated this dominican guy a while back (the one with the foot fetish and who banged me like a jackhammer in a bad way) well he never tried anything more then kissing in the car. He never invited me back to his place to “watch tv” or “drink wine” (women are not idiots). So it got to the point where I was dying to sleep with him and asked him to stay the night at my place. He got laid.

We drifted apart soon after, and I didn’t really care because he was shit in bed. Now I had met his brother on our second date when he took me to a family barbecue (awkward date, never ask a girl to something like this especially if everyone there speaks spanish and she doesn’t). Well his brother is an actor and we had a great chat so we became facebook friends. A week ago his brother asked me out after finding out we haven’t been dating for a while. I promise it wasn’t as weird as it sounds. We went out and grabbed dinner and had a fun time. We sat in his car at the end of the date and he kissed me, and he seemed kind of sweet and nice. We had talked about watching a movie and getting stoned sometime, so he invited me over for Wednesday. I usually never got to a guy’s place on a second date, but I made an exception.

I get there and he is all over me. He suggests watching tv in the bedroom and we’ll “get to the movies later”. Now HERE is where he made his mistake. I was immediately turned off because he kind of forced fooling around as soon as I got in the door. Unlike the British guy who would turn on the tv and we would cuddle and talk for a little while before getting to it, this guy tried to get me straight away.

Now how to get laid is to make the girl feel like sex isn’t forced upon her. If you invite her over to watch movies and smoke pot, follow through on it for a bit. Smoke pot, start a movie, as if your innocent and the plan wasn’t just to fuck her. Then see if she starts to come to you during the movie. If she doesn’t try subtly to get her a few kisses here and there and see how she responds. If she’s not into it and you try to force it most likely you won’t get laid then or ever in the future. Sometimes patience is a virtue.

Girls find it sexy when they feel like they are pushing sex on the guy. It’s a huge turn on for it to be our idea, and ours alone.

Also if you are making out and you try moving the girls hand down to your crotch that is most likely a mistake. If you do it once and she doesn’t seem into it, leave it be, because most likely she’ll just get annoyed and never want to get you off. You have a better chance of trying to fool around with her parts then you getting her to fool around with yours. Ya women also only really care about themselves and if they’re going to get off.

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When I lost my virginity it was very much planned. I’m not talking candles or any of that nonsense, but I knew who and what day I was losing it. So I had time to prepare myself. Here is my advice to any girl who is about to pop their cherry. Sorry guys, I don’t really have any advice for you other than practice putting on a condom.

  • Stretch yourself out. I was one of the lucky girls who didn’t bleed (years of dancing probably did the trick), but either way it will hurt less and make you less nervous if you aren’t quite as tight. Hopefully it will keep you from bleeding as well. You can do this a number of ways. Fingering is one. Masturbation using a vibrator. One of the best ways is to stretch yourself out in the bath tub. The hot water helps.
  • Make sure you have a lot of foreplay. There is no need to rush, and if the guy is trying to rush you he probably isn’t worth fucking. The foreplay gets you wet and ready and will help make for better sex.
  • My biggest advice is USE LUBE. I didn’t for my first time, but later in life when I discovered lubrication I realized it was God’s gift to women. It will help make you a little less sore after your first time. Even if you are wet that can disappear during sex. Lube will last longer. It takes a little while to find the right lube. Make sure it is one that won’t hurt the condom.
  • And of course I know it’s corny, but make sure you are ready. Every woman should remember that sex is never about pleasing a man. It is about pleasing yourself. I don’t do things in bed to make the man happy. I do things that make myself happy, and that usually ends up pleasing them even more because I am enjoying it.
  • Oh and make sure the guys not a douche. He doesn’t have to be your boyfriend or anything, but if he’s an asshole you will regret it.

Just know that there is no flash of lightning, no sudden change. It may be awful. Even if it’s not it will probably be mediocre. You’ll be confused of why sex is a big deal. Believe me it gets better. It gets addictive and amazing.

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Okay men are just starting to downright annoy me. And right now I’m just kind of pissed off. The Brit got back from England last Tuesday and he is swamped with work from being away for two weeks. We planned a time for me to come by and get my bikini that I had forgotten at his place. When I got there we watched tv for a little bit before just getting it on. The sex was amazing yet again. Afterwards we lay on his couch for a while, and then we took a shower. Right after he started replying to more work emails while I sat and drank the water he gave me. Then he left to go running and walked me out.

Two days go by and I’m horny as hell and I send him a text saying “Is it wrong that I can’t get sex off my mind”. No response. He sucks at responding some times, and I’ve been there to see him a get and endless supply of calls and texts so I write it off. Friday comes and I text him to say that I’m going to be hanging at the pool that’s close to him a bunch this weekend and does he want to join me. A few hours later when I’ve given up he texts me to say that Saturday he is going to be in CT playing cricket, but possibly Sunday. Later that night when I’m drunk and horny I send him a dirty text. NO response.

I wake up this morning, it is Sunday to find 4 texts from him. To be fair it’s really two texts that didn’t fit in one text each time. As following:

At 5:34: Yes definitely have been thinking about you. A symbiosis between you and my penis ! Same as the past few weeks just need u to get into it for the first t- (texts breaks here and continues in another text) ime….!!      U frigid cow!!!

At 5:46: I know you are up, you cheeky little girl, stop pretending !   And then he sent the sam text from before in this one and had to finish it in a second text.

What the hell?

Okay I’m not exactly sure what he meant by any of this. To be fair I have dirty texted him before so I opened the door for it. I’m not sure what he meant by getting me into it for the first time. I think it might be that we discussed last time that I haven’t cum with him yet. Now as for the frigid cow, I have no fucking clue what that is about. I’m not a frigid person. I’m fun and wild, and that is just weird.

So I texted him at 9:30: Um how drunk were you when you texted me? Lol. Let me know if you want to join me at the pool today.

NO response. I figure he’s asleep or hungover. He was texting me at nearly 6 in the morning. Finally at 3 pm I call him and leave a message just saying that his texts were hilarious, and intriguing and he should call me and explain them because I was confused about them. No response. What is with this guy? I like him and I know he hasn’t been laid by anyone but me in months. He tells me a bunch how he can’t stop thinking about me. At this point I am baffled. Can anyone explain his behavior?

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